Monday, April 14, 2008

Whole Foods Jam

Brandy shall not, for now, at least, leap too deeply into the Series of Jams that was The Domino's-Sponsored DS Big Band By Sedan East Coast Blitz Tour de Borscht 2008 but He will share one fine story for starters. Upon arrival in NYC, Brandy and touring drummer/keyboardist Wawa, mildly faded, undoubtedly, wandered towards a LES subway stop in search of a Jam en route to divergent destinations, Wawa, a friend's warm shower, Brandy, the halls of the mighty Guggenheim. A stolid green Whole Foods sign flickered above Houston. Brandy and Wawa ducked in for a Salad Bar Visitation. Brandy, sick of grub from gas stations and fast food establishments, had greenery on the brain, fully intending to redeem half a week's worth of white, fried, processed, and cheese-covered foods in a fantastically healthy emerald sea of vegetable matter. At the same time, Brandy was faded, famished, and fairly inclined to roll hard. It was a conflict of intention. At first, those Better Angels had the advantage as Brandy wandered the parade of bright, shimmering buffets, dropping tong-fulls of lettuce, spinach, red onions, garbanzo beans, olives, and feta into his to-go Jam-Box. He added some shredded chicken, a couple of baked tofu chunks, and a few roasted red peppers. A dust of parm. A scatter of croutons. A splash of oil. A squirt of balsamic. Then, Brandy lost all control. The beast took hold and he went off the chains, roving from bar to bar in full-on Crazed Jammer Attack mode, heaping his salad with salad-inappropriate foods. First came a samosa. Then, another. Why not. And a spring roll. Yes, please. Then, Brandy piled on a few rounds of cheese ravioli. Oh my. And a brace of suspiciously black falafel balls. Why? Because they were there. In the end, when the poor cardboard Jam-box could hold no more, Brandy checked out. The weight exceeded 1.5 pounds. The cost was upwards of 15 dollars. Brandy vanquished his concoction (including even the foul falafel) in the cafe upstairs. He also ate a sizable whole-wheat roll and drank in perhaps three gulps a fancy white tea from the beverage cooler. As Wawa set off for the subway and his friend's domicile, Brandy turned away, exhilarated to have Jammed so vigorously yet simultaenously ashamed to have spent so much money. As punishment, he denied himself subway fare and the opportunity to pay 18 dollars for a museum visit. He retired to the park and sat on a bench with an M. K. Fisher volume, pausing every so often to watch a writhing swarm of funny uniformed schoolchildren shoot hoops.


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